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Which Saved by the Bell Character Are You?

Time to “wake up in the mornin’” when “the alarm gives out a warnin’” because this teacher’s gonna “pop a test”! Don’t worry, you can “hand it in tomorrow, it’ll be all right"!

Answer honestly and carefully, and most importantly, have fun!!!

1. You are a:

a. Jock
b. Nerd
c. Troublemaker
d. Shopaholic
e. Feminist
f. Cheerleader
g. High-school principal

2. You are:

a. Hispanic
b. White
c. White
d. Black
e. White
f. White
g. A high-school principal

3. What famous Hollywood celebrity do you most resemble?

a. Mario López
b. Dustin Diamond
c. Mark-Paul Gosselaar
d. Lark Voorhies
e. Elizabeth Berkley
f. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
g. Dennis Haskins

4. What was your high-school nickname?

a. Slater
b. Screech
c. Zack
d. Lisa
e. Jessie
f. Kelly
g. The Prince (or The ’Pal)

5. After high school you:

a. Hosted a series of increasingly banal reality television programs
b. Guest-starred on a series of increasingly offensive reality television
programs
c. Were featured on one of those “Where are they now?” type shows on VH1
d. Disappeared from the face of the earth
e. Weren’t you in Showgirls?
f. Were a cast member of one of the latter seasons of Beverly Hills, 90210 (Or maybe it was Melrose Place. I swear I remember my girlfriend watching it.)
g. Continued to be a high-school principal, presumably

6. What do you think of drugs?

a. They’re stupid
b. They stink
c. They’re uncool
d. Doing them is crazy
e. They’re dangerous (although remember that one time you were addicted to caffeine pills for a while because you were cramming for exams? That came out of nowhere, right?)
f. They’re dumb
g. This is a serious offense for any student

7. If you were in a band, it would be named after:

a. Your nemesis
b. Your best friend
c. Yourself
d. The coolest guy in school
e. Zack Morris
f. Your boyfriend
g. I’m sorry, guys, your band won’t be able to play unless we can raise that $5000. Looks like there won’t be a spring dance this year after all

O.K., everybody. Pencils down! Now add up your scores!

If you answered mostly:

a = You are Mr. Belding, principal of Bayside High.
b = You are Johnny Dakota, anti-drug rock star who secretly actually did drugs and it turns out, wasn’t so “cool” after all.
c = You are Sam Bobrick, creator of Saved by the Bell.
d = You are Mrs. Belding, little-seen wife of Mr. Belding.
e = Remember when Tori Spelling was on that one time, playing Screech's nerdy girlfriend? That's you.
f = You are Jen Lawrence, this girl from my high school who thought she looked just like Kelly Kapowski, and we were all like, You wish.
g = You are Brandon Tartikoff, former C.E.O. of NBC.

Nowhere Is My Paranoia More Evident Than in My E-Mail Confidentiality Notice

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CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: Psst. This message is being sent by Frank Ferri Copywriter LLC. This e-mail and any attachments are confidential and proprietary. If you are not the intended recipient, be aware that any disclosure, copying, distribution, or use of this e-mail or any attachment is prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please follow these 25 easy steps:

1. Delete this message.
2. Expunge all deleted messages.
3. Reset your e-mail password.
4. Sign out of your e-mail.
5. Erase everything on your computer. Consult your computer's user guide for instructions on how to wipe it clean.
6. Shut down your computer.
7. Using a Phillips or flathead screwdriver, disassemble your computer. [IMPORTANT: Do not back up any information. The content of the e-mail you received in error could be stored somewhere on your machine.]
8. Using a sharp knife, repeatedly slash the screen of your monitor and smash all components with a lead pipe.
9. Wrap all components, except for the hard drive, in a fine mesh netting and weight it with seven 12-pound bowling balls.
10. Rent a boat (using a false name) and sink the bundle of computer parts in a vast body of water, preferably the Indian Ocean.
11. Rub the hard drive with an industrial-strength neodymium magnet for at least 45 minutes. Then flash freeze it to 8 kelvin using a cryogenic processor.
12. Place the hard drive in a commercial-grade blender. We prefer the power of the one used in the kitchens of the mess hall at West Point.
13. Pulse it to get it started, then frappe until the hard drive is nothing but a fine powder. This usually takes about three hours of straight blending.
14. Continue to blend while simultaneously drizzling in enough extra-virgin olive oil to form a fragrant paste.
15. Call your mother. It's always good to give her a random call every now and again. Just don't mention the email you received in error. If you do mention it, please visit our website for instructions on how to make your mother disappear.
16. Scrape the paste out of the blender using a spatula.
17. Burn the spatula. Visit our Web site for directions on how to do this properly--and safely.
18. Rip the siding off of your entire house. If you live in an apartment building or condominium, do not consult anyone. Just plan to work at night under a cloak of darkness.
19. Transfer the paste to a plastic bucket and add cement mix and water.
20. Adjust the proportions as necessary to form a thick paste. It should be similar to the consistency of strawberry-flavored cream cheese softened at about 58 degrees--give or take.
21. Using a trowel and the cement mix, re-side your residence with brick veneer.
22. Set fire to your home.
23. Collect insurance money.
24. Buy a new computer [and a new house].
25. Change your e-mail address and mailing address.

If you are the intended recipient, then please disregard this notice.

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April Listicles

Dryer than April showers.

"Everything I Need to Know I Learned Watching Bravo," or: "Is Top Chef On Yet?," by Lydia Ondrusek

"Led Zeppelin’s “Essential” Reading List: North American Tour, 1977," by Tyler Stoddard Smith

"Classic Kung Fu Titles That Would Make for Some Disturbingly Bad Porn," by Daniel McArdle

Read more entries at Yankee Pot Roast »