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We shall ‘reverse the polarity’ of our economy!
It would be nice to think that the people we elect to office and to whom we pay a healthy salary (once retirement benefits like lobbying and speaking fees are included) would be smart enough to fashion a remedy, bitter like medicine, that slowed down, if not outright reversed the current decline in the economy.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. The current economic package -- a few hundred dollars a person, or bah mitzvah money, basically -- is based on the same sound principles as the notion that making everyone in the world jump at the same time will shift the Earth’s orbit -- the idea being that if everyone does a small something at the same time, great things happen. In the case of all the world jumping as one, that is supposed to produce a shift in the earth’s orbit which should lead to longer daylight hours, reduction in pollution and that ol’ chestnut, “world peace.”
In the case of a refund from the government, everyone is supposed to spend the money all at once and thus jump-start the economy. However, we already know this can’t work because it fails the first test, not sounding stupid when you say it out loud: “You see, what we’re going to do is, have everyone spend a few hundred dollars -- at the same time -- and then, whizz-bang!, everything’s fixed!” It’s the sort of illogical solution that serious people reach -- and that only works -- on bad TV shows; in fact, you may be familiar with its sci-fi equivalent, "reversing the polarity" to effect some kind of grand escape. Hell, it’s such a bad idea and spoken of so highly by so many people despite God’s light shining down on the cold, unvarnished truth of the matter that I can’t say for certain that Scientology isn’t somehow involved.
What’s most peculiar is that economists came up with this plan: Ivy-leagued, easily tenured, starch-collared economists. They got together, with their various charts and grafts and wizards hats and young apprentices who don’t know any better other than to blow up the lab at this point, and after a number of potion-making sessions, presented to the king a way of changing lead bars to gold. Of course, to be fair, if someone walked up to Frank Gehry and said “Make me a house RIGHT NOW made entirely of bologna!”, well, Gehry couldn’t take all the blame for the results. Likewise, you couldn’t blame firemen if all they had were squirt guns.
That leaves the question of what SHOULD have been done or can still be done to right another fine mess the Stan Laurels of the world have gotten us into. More money isn’t the solution, as that’s tantamount to dousing more water on a base burn: you’re just increasing the size of the wrong solution. No, the correct answer begins with everyone coming clean and admitting that, for the most part, the people who are losing their houses brought this upon themselves.
When people are suffering, and when they bring their families into that suffering, we hate to point fingers. But any remedy that doesn't acknowledge this fact is bound to fail and so the first thing we need to do is face facts: When you become an adult, you’re expected to assume certain adult responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is to realize that anyone pulling down a 50K salary can’t afford a quarter-million-dollar house at a 2.5% interest rate that kicks up to 9% in the second year, PARTICULARLY once you start taking equity out of it.
Investment banks, mortgage lenders, bond insurers, Mrs. Peacock, Col. Mustard: They’re all to blame for letting these people be stupid, and Alan Greenspan and legislators from both parties get hat tips for providing the rope by which they were allowed to hang themselves. But it doesn’t change the fact that these people -- most of whom aren’t bad people and merely wanted to take out equity to jumpstart a child‘s college fund, say -- made a six- or seven-figure decision without caring to read the fine print. And now, ironically, these are the people Washington wants to trust with more money.
An effective government plan would stick to helping small businesses, nix those oil and farm subsidies (the latter being the truly evil of the pair), beef up unemployment benefits and then, stay the eff out of the way. If someone wants financial help, then the government should have a crack team of financial planners ready 24-7 to help baby-step anyone who wants advice but doesn't know how or where to get it, without ever giving them any sort of direct cash payment. That's like what we did with welfare reform in '96; it was a bitter pill and hotly contested, but it's mostly worked.
Of course, that kind of help is going to include telling these people that it could take upwards of 10 years -- or more -- to reverse a few years of bad decisions. But that's a helluva lot more honest than rustling the couch for change when you tell someone "don't worry, I've got it covered."
Today's lesson: At least I assume that's what bah mitzvah money is going for nowadays. My goyness (a favorite pun of the Jews, incidentally, to indicate surprise) precludes me from any actual knowledge of the matter, other than the ritual sacrifice of a Christian child and shaving of the tail, of course.
Job hunt redux
Stop me if this sounds familiar, but I have been reorganized right out of a job.
Since November, I had been writing financial news stories, feverishly reporting facts and figures that could excite only the most boring of persons.
But no longer.
I learned two hours ago that my time there as an equities reporter had come to an end and thus I will be embarking upon far fewer 90-minute treks to Jersey City at 4 in the morning. The next few weeks instead will be spent pounding pavement at a far more decent hour, looking for work but with far greater insight than the average Joe as to why many of us no longer have jobs.
I leave on good terms, with two weeks' severance and recommendations from my supervisors going forward.
Thus, I issue a general call for any tips, rumors, innuendo or general snake charms -- any knowledge whatsoever of the whereabouts of an idle broom -- as I seek, yet again, to secure gainful employment. Tips on freelance work, as well as which way -- clockwise or counter-clockwise -- to swirl your change cup, would also be appreciated.
Well, that's it from here. Thanks and all the best, HJ
Oh, and PS: Also appreciated would be tips regarding the whereabouts of any open bars.
Hillary's First 100 Days
- “Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton outlined an aggressive 100-day presidential agenda on Tuesday …” - Associated Press, April 15, 2008
by Hillary Clinton (as told to John Flowers)
This post -- high-larious in its intricacies -- is now located here (save the "Today's lesson" portion, which remains).
Today’s lesson: Actually, this hundred-day itinerary works for everyone who’s been president save for William Henry Harrison, whose list begins, “Day 1: Wish there was a sniffling, sneezing, stuffy-head, fever, so-I-can-go-to-sleep medicine. As such, stick to the leeches.”